Approaching the Inmost Cave
by Darryl Bertolucci
“He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody
Doesn't have a point of view
Knows not where he's going to
Isn't he a bit like you and me?”
~ Nowhere Man, by John Lennon, 1965 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8scSwaKbE64
I’m approaching the Inmost Cave…again. I don’t have a mentor….yet. The strings of my personal orchestra are humming with a cautious vibrato (rapid variation in pitch). The woodwinds whisper of past lessons and lost opportunities, creating a haunting counterpoint. The brass section, with its bold and assertive tones, injects a sense of determination and strength, urging me to embrace the challenges that lie ahead. But, I fear…Isolation. The Strap. The Shadow.
Fear begins as a quiet, almost imperceptible tremble in the strings. It can crescendo into a dissonant passage, overwhelming the melody with its intensity, or linger as a sotto voce (a dramatic lowering of volume) whispering undercurrent that colors the music with tension and anticipation.
Isolation can be deeply problematic. The lack of connection can lead to feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. I’ve been there. It can mute the vibrant melodies of connection leaving a silence that weighs heavily on the spirit. Isolation can act as a crucible for innovation, where new melodies and themes emerge from the silence. The challenge, then, is not merely to endure isolation but to navigate its dualities—to mitigate its detrimental effects while harnessing its potential for personal and creative growth. Isolation, when it emerges as a fear, does so as a chilling motif—a sequence of notes that evokes the coldness of solitude. It's the dread of silence not as peace but as an echoing void, where the music of life seems to fade into obscurity. I’ve been there too.
My father threatened me with The Strap…especially when he’d been drinking. It carries a weight of sadness, a silent witness to the terror it instills…a powerful symbol of control. It becomes a central movement, where the tension between past fears and present resilience is most acute. There is a balancing act, striving to weave the dissonant notes into the broader melody without allowing them to dominate. The Strap serves as a counter-theme that challenges primary melodies of hope, resilience, and self-discovery. I’m always looking over my shoulder.
I’m afraid of my own shadow. My Shadow is Parkinson’s Disease (PD). It emerges subtly at first, a series of notes played in a minor key, lurking beneath the surface. Internal conflict. Emotional turmoil. This isn’t just about the physical symptoms but the psychological shadow it casts—fear of the future, the frustration of lost control, and the mourning for my past-self. Living with and adapting to PD, demands a profound emotional depth and resilience. It's a solo. During my off-periods, I don’t have much depth or resilience…at all. I’m another person (NowhereMan)….who I have trouble recognizing. The stakes are deeply personal, reflecting the daily battles and the larger existential questions posed by PD. The crescendos and diminuendos (gradual decreases in loudness) echo the fluctuating hope and despair, the few victories and many setbacks. My greatest wish is being able to view PD as a positive factor, finding harmony in discord. It’s about seeing PD not just as a condition to be managed but as a part of life that, while difficult, can bring unexpected gifts of depth, strength, and connection. I have a shot at that most (>50% of the time?….I really don’t know) of the time. The rest of the time….NowhereMan has no chance.
The Inmost Cave is not just a physical space but a metaphysical realm where my deepest fears, doubts, and challenges converge in a dissonant clash. It is the moment before the climax, a delicate precipice where the themes of my life's symphony—freedom, connection, resilience, and self-discovery—are brought to their most intense and profound expressions. Approaching it is the crescendo of the symphony, where all elements come together in preparation for the climax. The nervous contemplation and the final preparations before facing the ultimate test are mirrored in the rising tension.
As the music fades, there's a sense of resolution, but also a recognition that the journey is ongoing.